In parts one and two, I explored the foundational themes of self, ego, and suffering, challenging the idea of a fixed “I” and examining how the mind creates the illusion of a sufferer, that there's someone doing the suffering. I started by discussing the illusion of the “I” as the very thing that keeps the mind trapped in its own confusion.
Through reflection, I questioned the relationship between thought and identity, the role of conditioning, and the paradox of clarity versus confusion. What emerged was an unfolding inquiry into the games the mind plays with itself.
I discussed how the mind turns on itself, creates problems, and then pretends to be the one trying to solve the problems. I explored contradiction, discomfort, and a deeper suspicion of the whole game.
That was the point.
Before venturing into the deeper, often messier realm of relationships, freedom, or anything else, this had to be faced first.
If you're familiar with some of the ideas I've discussed so far, and the ideas I intend to discuss in part three and beyond, you might feel you know where all this is going. But let me assure you. By the end of this "Confronting The Mind" series, I will have gone much further than most ever have.
CONFRONTING THE MIND
PART THREE: Relationship Vs Connection
In part three, I will discuss the nature of relationship, especially as it relates to what I've already shared about self, ego, and suffering.
[see part one and part two].
In the same spirit as parts one and two, the following is designed to challenge assumptions, expose contradiction, and deepen awareness.
It will be unwise to look for answers here.
My aim, for you, the reader, is to provoke insight.
I begin with a double-barrelled question,
What is the actual function of a relationship with another person?
What is its point, if not to complete, heal, or even "grow" the individual?
Every human child is born complete and whole, aside from the natural need for nurturance.
Societal conditioning, beginning in the family home and then, by extension, the wider society, such as schooling, religious association etc. causes the child to feel they are lacking in some way.
Children are taught, effectively, that they do not know how to live.
They are taught that other people have all the answers they don't have.
And, they are taught that they have no answers.
So, it is instilled in the child from an early age that they are not complete and whole; that they are lacking in many ways.
As a side note, how any young adult ever comes to feel that they "should" know how to solve their own problems is, quite frankly, beyond me. Modern society is certainly not conducive to this.
All relationship with others, from friendships to emotional attachment and love, serve to rid the individual of the sense of loneliness.
The human body has only one goal beyond survival and sustenance - copulation and the continuance of the species.
That's nature.
And humans are as much fauna of the planet as any other sentient species.
Society teaches people that they need society to survive, and it attempts to remove all the natural tendencies. It teaches that those tendencies and abilities are wrong and immoral.
The only "fixing" people do is to have the individual "fit in" with the rest of society.
Relationships do not fix, heal, complete, grow, or mature people. People who form friendships and enter relationships feeling "broken" and incomplete do so with two hopes:
1. The hope that they are a perfect match and their connection will be so complete that no problems will arise.
2. The hope that any problems that do arise between them (as they inevitably will) can be worked on, sorted out, or fixed.
What happens?
1. They, most assuredly, will find that they do not see eye-to-eye on every issue, which has the potential to cause friction. This friction, if left unresolved, can escalate over time.
2. Either one or both friends, associates, or partners, as the case may be, refuse to talk about the more important issues to the point that a parting of ways seems inevitable. Thus, friendships and romantic relationships end, and marriages end in divorce.
All of the above are reasons that people would be better served by society if they were taught to be reflective and to become self-aware (not that anyone can "give" another self-awareness).
Healthy relationships are created by mentally healthy people who are self-aware, reflective, and possess the knowledge that everyone views the world in their own unique way; that no two people have the exact same perspective, even in the very same set of circumstances.
Unhealthy relational connections are created by immature and psychologically unhealthy people.
The more mentally healthy two people are, the more likely they are to be truly successful in their relationships.
So, yes, what I've said here slices clean through the romantic illusions most people hold about relationships.
Relationships of all kinds are sought out to escape loneliness, to satisfy biological imperatives, and to conform to societal expectations.
I was recently asked the following question.
"What is the root cause of loneliness?"
There is one thing that people tend to forget or ignore. And that is the fact that, even if one is well esteemed by others and can choose never to be alone if that is what's desired, which is certainly not everybody... everyone is always alone... with oneself.
I've lost count of the number of times I've heard people say, "You can be in a place, surrounded by people and still feel lonely". I've even said it myself in the past.
Loneliness isn't about the number of people one has around them, or the lack thereof. Loneliness is about the depth of satisfaction and fulfilment one feels within oneself.
There are those who prefer to be alone much of the time. They are commonly known as introverts. I don't entertain the overuse of labels, so I don't refer to myself as being introverted. But I do prefer to be alone most of the time. Contrary to most people in British society, who may or may not choose to spend some time away from others, I often take breaks from my solitary lifestyle by going out into society.
It's necessary at times - I don't grow food and I don't bake my own bread...
So, there are people who choose to be alone most of the time, and there are people who can't tolerate being alone and every level of social engagement between. Therefore, it's clear there is no correlation between feelings of loneliness and the number of people a person spends any amount of time with.
Loneliness is not a lie created by society.
It is a lie created by the individual.
To be sure, society conditions the individual into believing that they are "less than" or lacking in some way, and that may contribute to feelings of loneliness to the extent that the individual has, or has not, recognised or resisted the conditioning. However, I have no doubt there are many people who have not recognised how they have learned to fit in with society, yet they may enjoy even long periods of solitude, or alone time.
Anyone can feel lonely if they believe they are lonely, and that is almost certainly dependent on the extent to which they feel content and fulfilled in themselves. There may even be a correlation in all of this with an individual's feelings of self-worth and levels of confidence.
So, to put it another way, loneliness is not a condition of the environment. It’s a condition of the self.
It does not arise from the absence of others, but from the absence of inner contentment and feelings of self-fulfilment.
Loneliness is a belief. It's a story about one’s experience of aloneness, shaped by self-image, not the number of faces in the room.
What, then, is connection? How do we distinguish between authentic connection and the kind that’s merely a temporary escape from inner emptiness?
I answer this with another question: What happens when two people who feel "connected" strongly disagree on a particular subject? Moreover, what happens when one of those individuals has failed to develop their sense of self-knowledge?
Connection is agreement; the unspoken contract in most relationships. And when agreement is lost, so too is the illusion of connection. Many people mistake mutual distraction for connection, in which case the result is two people using each other to fill internal voids, to silence the unease of their unexamined minds.
So when disagreement arises, and the content no longer satisfies, they feel abandoned, misunderstood, or betrayed.
Why?
Because, in this case, it was never about understanding each other. It was about escape.
True connection is only possible for those who are psychologically healthy. The deeper an individual knows him/herself, the more likely they are to be able to form true connection.
Problems arise when an individual fails to acknowledge "red flags" in the other person and continues in the relationship "against their better judgement". Or, better put, they ignore their innate discernment in the pursuit of something.
To reiterate, most relationships, for the vast majority of people, are pursued because of their intrinsic ability to provide escape from feelings of loneliness and emptiness.
I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this.
I am merely laying down the stark truth.
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